I’m drifting there, not knowing where.
It is hard for a grown adult to admit weakness, to themselves and to the people around them (for me, at least). And so a person can keep up the appearance that everything is fine, outside and in. That is exactly what I have been doing: without realising it (hello, psyche), I project an image to the outside world that, on the whole, I am okay.
But I am not okay.
I don’t understand at which point I stopped running my own life. And did I ever run it at all? Right now it is run by anyone and anything but the conscious Me: laziness, social media, a lucky (or sometimes not so lucky) break, even Claude Code (when it won’t let me go to bed before 3 a.m.), lol! I don’t exercise, I smoke like a chimney, I go to bed far too late, I spend little time with myself and with my family. The list goes on for a while.
Maybe I have simply reached some inner limit and have no strength left to carry on like this, maybe it is something else — but I am paying more and more attention to it, to what is inside me. The surrounding noise is getting a little quieter, and I am starting to hear myself better, more clearly. And you know what I hear right now?! Dissatisfaction with my own life :D
So there is someone alive in there after all. Time to start waking up, little by little